Rambling. (14w5d)

Just some rambling about how I'm feeling right now.....
I just can't stop worrying & it just sucks. I just don't want to let myself get real excited about this. I just keep thinking something is gonna go wrong....either I will miscarry, have a baby with Downs Syndrome or something else...and that keeps me from thinking of me holding a little baby, looking at baby things & actually most of all making things for my baby. I like to sew & I've actually been selling my handmade things online for a couple years (I don't want to mention my store here because I wanna keep the entire world separate). I wanna start making a quilt or something but I'm just so worried that if I start I'll jinx something, and....I also wanna learn how to crochet a blanket (since I'm sitting my fat ass on the couch all the time anyway). Whether I quilt or crochet, I was thinking of starting with the inside as neutral colors (greens, yellows...) then after I find out the sex I can use boy or girl colors. Or if I quilt I can make a block a month with how I'm feeling at that moment, maybe embroider a little passage or something. I'm just so scared to start because I feel like something will go wrong. Part of me thinks that after the 18 week ultrasound I will calm down a bit...like I will find out if my baby will have some terrible disease or something at THAT ultrasound.
I am trying to be so good with everything else. As soon as I found out I was pregnant I quit smoking. I have smoked for 16+ years & have never tried quitting. Actually I never really have a thought to quit. Also caffeine....I drank probably a 2 liter of Pepsi (Diet Pepsi when I was dieting) a day. I don't drink coffee so this was my pep for the day. Now, I haven't had caffeine in ages, if I had 4 cans of caffeine soda this pregnancy so far that would be a lot. I drink 1.5 liter of water a day & maybe an Orange or Sprite soda each day since they are caffeine-free. A few friends of mine, with one in particular, that was pregnant did whatever she wanted with both pregnancies. She smoked cigarettes, Newport's too, one of the strong brands (that's what I smoked for 16 years). She drank Pepsi, coffee, ate fish & whatever else she wanted. Both her kids came out fine....actually the 1st was a preemie so not 100% fine but he's fine now (you'd think she would have been better with the 2nd pregnancy!). She said that she knew people that did everything right & their baby was sick and other people that didn't listen to any of the rules & their baby was fine. She thinks if you are gonna have a sick baby, you are gonna have a sick baby, no matter what. I also knew a bunch of other people that smoked through their pregnancy's & their baby's were all fine. I totally think they are all completely wrong. Of course the devil sneaks in & says "well their baby was fine". I think that 9 (actually 10) months is such a small amount of time to make sure that my child will be ok for the rest of their life. Imagine if I continued to smoke then my child ends up with asthma or ADD & I knew I did it. I screwed up my child's life forever because I was so selfish that I couldn't stop smoking for 9 little months. Maybe I just feel this way because I was actually able to stop. Quitting smoking is supposed to be harder than drugs. I guess I'm just lucky I was able to stop smoking because I know drugs was definitely NOT an easy thing to give up and they were totally screwing up my life!
I guess worrying is kinda normal for pregnant women...maybe not to the extent I'm worrying. I just hope that in a few weeks I go for the ultrasound, the heartbeat is still normal, they tell me everything is fine and not that there is a 1% chance my baby will have Downs or something....if I get that 1% chance I will FREAK the entire time even tho 1% is nothing. I hope I will start to "enjoy" my pregnancy like I hear other women say they do or did. I just wanna stop worrying!